My Disability Matters Club

Upside down days and dreamless nights

‘But [Pooh] couldn’t sleep. The more he tried to sleep the more he couldn’t. He tried counting Sheep, which is sometimes a good way of getting to sleep, and, as that was no good, he tried counting Heffalumps. And that was worse. Because every Heffalump that he counted was making straight for a pot of Pooh’s honey, and eating it all. For some minutes he lay there miserably, but when the five hundred and eighty-seventh Heffalump was licking its jaws, and saying to itself, “Very good honey this, I don’t know when I’ve tasted better,” Pooh could bear it no longer.’ – A.A. MilneWinnie-the-Pooh

Trying to sleep, working at sleep are exercises in futility. Either you close your eyes and the sweet nectar of rest overcomes you and you sleep…or you close your eyes and peer into the dark, scratchy sandpaper which is the inside of your eyelid. The latter is the torture of insomnia.

Insomnia by Libby
Blogging on my phone

 

It’s 3:30 a.m. and I have yet to sleep. I can’t blame daytime sleeping this time. My Fitbit shows I took one short nap, that’s all. I exercised more than usual, so that’s not the culprit. I had a lovely day… can’t blame the day. We had company and I drank a Coke Zero after dinner trying to stay awake for the evening. Maybe that’s it! One little glass of diet pop? Maybe, but all night? I am still thinking sleeping disorder. I’m too consistently a really rotten sleeper.

And now, I’m once again in danger of flipping my days and nights around like a newborn baby. It happens so easily, no matter how hard I work at straightening them around. The Heffalumps have me in their jaws… not Pooh’s honey!

But, because I have bipolar disorder, I need sleep desperately to keep my equilibrium It’s catch as catch can where my sleep is concerned. So what’s my plan? Approximately: write until 4 – 4:30 AM. Take my medication. Wait a half hour. Eat breakfast. Wait for the inevitable exhaustion from being up all night and sleep from 6 AM to 10 AM within a nap in the afternoon…or however, my body will cooperate.

That’s what it amounts to…waiting for my body to cooperate. And, never drinking caffeine after dinner again! Hoping our guests understand, if I fall asleep in my chair ~ or excuse myself early ~, of course, they will.

This has been going on for years. It’s just gotten much worse these past six months. I can’t get myself turned around anymore, keeping my days daytime and my nights for sleep.

I can hardly wait for my sleep consult June 6th. Coasting until then. Trying not to let the Heffalumps get me!

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