My Disability Matters Club

I Caught Myself Smiling

Peace begins with a smile – Mother Teresa

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I was getting ready for bed tonight,  not my favorite thing to do, because I have quite a lot of anxiety surrounding sleep due to insomnia and my recent major bout with depression. I noticed I was smiling! A genuine, happy,  Libby kind of smile. The kind I do often, for no reason, when I am my usual self. And I began to beam. I said to myself,  “Depressed people don’t smile!” Not genuine, joyous,  happy for no reason contented smiles like this one! My depression has lifted! I’m no longer climbing the blood-stained rocks of that ghastly thing…trying to clamor my way out by sheer force of will. It’s lifted!

Exactly five days after my doctor almost doubled my bipolar antidepressant dose… it’s lifted! Once again proving, what my experience has long borne out… bipolar one disorder is a brain chemistry disorder. Yes, it is all in my head,  quite literally. Get the chemistry right and voila! I’m back!

I don’t mean to say that it’s always this simple. Because it wasn’t. This was my second med change first of all. We tried conquering the sleep component first to no avail. And it’s not always the second medicine you tweak that rights the wrong, as in this case. Certainly sometimes talk therapy is called for. Which I did a bit on my own, by working through my feelings, blogging my depression away!

It also helps that my psychiatrist and I have been together 12 years. The art form that is practiced in the science of psychiatry has been honed quite well. I have a therapist too,  we’re an excellent team… it’s always just a matter of time…hopefully not longer than I can bear!! We get better with practice, but the variables keep changing: my age, the meds, the circumstances.

To think just a few days ago,  I was reluctant to have my kiddo come home for Mother’s Day because I didn’t want her to see me such a wreck. She knew enough to ignore that and knew seeing her would do me a world of good. She and her Dad, my Love, planned a wonderful weekend and here I am two days later depression free!!! On my way back!!!

Brain chemistry, love, and smiles. That’s a formula for success! And thank you dear friends for all of your prayers! They were answered and then some!!!!

God bless! Libby Smiles Baker Sweiger

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